If you read my last email, you'll know YouTube had taken my sleep meditations channel out of their Partner Programme. That's where the ad money comes from, and it's most of how I earn a living. Their system had decided my meditations were "repetitive content", so I had to record a video explaining how I make them, and send it off.
Well, they've looked. The channel's fine. Carry on as you were.
There's no apology in the email, I notice. There is a "thank you" for helping them improve their review process, though 😒
But that isn't the bit I keep thinking about.
This is.
The appeal came back the same day I sent it.
And it took me six whole days to send it.
I wasn't as fine as I told you
In my last email I said I didn't feel that upset about YouTube. Mildly irritated, I said. A bit annoyed that news like that arrives as an email.
I believed that when I wrote it.
Looking back, I was probably more stressed and angry than I allowed myself to believe.
The eternal optimist in me knew it would work out. It was just a question of going through the process. And the eternal optimist inside me was right. It did work out.
But knowing something will work out and feeling okay about it aren't the same thing.
My head had the optimism. My body probably had something else going on. And my behaviour (an hour of research, then two days of wine, then a few more days of "I'll do it later") was telling the truth long before I was.
When "it'll be fine" does two jobs
I don't think I'm unusual here.
A lot of us are very good at "it'll be fine". It's a useful skill. It keeps us steady and looking confident in front of the team, the kids, the client. It gets the job done.
But for some of us, "it'll be fine" does a second job as well. It skips the feeling. If it's all going to work out, there's nothing to be upset about... so we don't let ourselves be upset.
Maybe, back when you were small, telling yourself everything was going to be okay was a useful skill. Even when it maybe wasn't okay. If you couldn't change what was happening around you, at least you could turn down the worry about what might happen to you next. And turning the worry down helped you feel safe in the moment.
It worked. So the next time something scary came along, you did it again. And again. Until "it'll be fine" arrived on its own, before the worry had a chance to say anything.
The catch is that the worry was also the part telling you to do something. Turn the worry down, and the urgency goes with it. Which might explain how an appeal that came back in a day sat waiting for six.
The trouble is, the feeling doesn't leave just because we've decided it's unnecessary. Our body tends to register stress well before our thinking catches up. The jaw tightens. The shoulders creep up. Sleep gets lighter. The story we tell ourselves arrives later, and it's usually the more flattering version.
So the feeling goes somewhere else. Into the evening glass (or bottle) of wine. Into the scrolling. Into the job we keep not starting.
You can't sit with a feeling you haven't admitted you've got.
And admitting it isn't something I enjoy. I like the fact that big things can happen, and I can deal with them really well. I guess it's part of my identity. So "mildly irritated" fits the picture I have of myself. "Stressed, worried and angry" doesn't.
But I don't think those two are opposites. I did deal with it well. The appeal went in, and it came back the same day. And it got to me. Both of those things are true.
Two things I'd try
Tool 1. Do a three-part check when you hear "I'm fine"
The moment you hear yourself say "I'm fine", or "it'll work out", or "it's not a big deal" (out loud or in your head), stop for about thirty seconds and ask yourself three questions, in this order.
What's happening in my body right now? Jaw, shoulders, stomach, breath, hands. Just notice. You don't have to change anything.
What's on my mind? The thoughts, the plans, the stories. "It'll be fine" counts as one of these. So does "I deserve a bottle of wine".
And what am I feeling? One or two words. Angry. Worried. Flat. Numb. Embarrassed.
Then look at your three answers side by side. If they all agree, great. Carry on. If they don't quite match, that gap is the useful bit. That's where the feeling you skipped is hiding.
Here's how it would have gone for me on that Friday. Body: I couldn't tell you. I didn't check. Which is rather the point. Mind: "Right. Here's a challenge. Research, research, research. It'll work out." Feeling: and this is where I'd have had to be honest... not just excited. Angry. Stressed.
Three answers, and they didn't match.
Why it works: this check comes from the mindfulness courses that grew out of Jon Kabat-Zinn's work, where it's sometimes called the triangle of awareness. It's one of the first things we practise on the eight-week mindfulness course I'm teaching at the moment. Thoughts are the easiest of the three to dress up. The body is much harder to argue with. Checking all three, one at a time, makes the mismatch visible before your behaviour has to point it out for you.
Tool 2. Put an "and" on the end of "it'll be fine"
Tool 1 finds the feeling. Tool 2 stops the optimism from tidying the feeling away again.
You don't have to drop the optimism. Keep the sentence. Then add the word "and", and finish the sentence with whatever the check found.
"It'll work out… and right now I'm angry."
"It'll be fine… and I'm worried about the money."
Say it out loud if you're on your own, or say it to one person you trust. Then stop there. No fixing straight away, and no "but".
The "but" matters more than it looks. "But" cancels whichever half comes first. "I'm stressed, but it'll be fine" turns the stress into something to ignore, which is exactly what I did. "It'll be fine, but I'm stressed" turns the stress into a problem you now have to solve.
"And" lets both halves be true at the same time.
Mine would have been: "It'll work out. And I'm angry. And I'm stressed."
All three of those were true. None of them needed to cancel the others out.
Why it works: swapping "but" for "and" is a technique from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, developed by the psychologist Steven Hayes. The idea is that you don't have to win the argument with a feeling before you're allowed to act. You can carry the feeling and still do the thing. In my case, the thing was one video and an upload.
The other thing I learned
When I told my audience what was going on, I was overwhelmed by what came back. Well over a thousand comments. Kind words, support, offers of help.
If you were one of them, thank you 💙
I felt really supported. And it's made me even keener to keep making these meditations for you.
Where I am with it
Here's what I keep coming back to.
It always works out. And even when it doesn't, it's not worth worrying about.
I believe that.
But knowing it and living it are two different things... which is why the wine got involved.
So if you're the one who always says "it'll be fine", you're probably right. You're also allowed to be upset while it works itself out.
Two meditations for this
One for the day, one for the night.
If you've told everyone you're fine and your shoulders are saying otherwise, play this one 👇🏾
→ 30 Minute MBSR Body Scan | Guided Mindfulness Meditation
And if you're lying in bed telling yourself it'll all work out and still can't switch off, play this one 👇🏾
→ When Your Body Won't Stand Down | Vagus Nerve Sleep Meditation
Chibs 💙
PS. Tired & Wired is my small community for people who are tired of running on empty. We meet live, and noticing what's going on underneath "I'm fine" is exactly the kind of thing we practise together. If you're curious, the door's here → https://www.skool.com/chibs
